on being non-binary (while being both too queer yet never enough)
As I get older, I stray further & further away from compulsory cishet gender norms for those assigned female at birth (afab). I still dress fem when I feel like it, but I generally prefer more androgynous looks that don't accentuate my 'feminine' curves.
Whenever I see fem folks of whatever gender, I feel shame that I can't embrace femininity as much/easily as they do. When I see masc people, I dream of looking like them, but not all the time. How nice would it be if I could neatly contort all of me into 1 one gender box forever without spilling over in agony.
Sometimes I wish femininity/masculinity isn't something I feel is a mask/performance. If only I could just BE and people (including myself) can accept me as is. I wish I was more secure in and accepting of my own non-binaryness.
Thing is, I want to LIKE existing in my body. I hate my desire to 'correct' my chest so that it could be as flat as a board. I can't bear the thought of my body being the way it is, but I'm also scared of the pain/judgment I have to endure in order to change it.
I feel cursed for admiring femininity but finding comfort in (& being attracted to) masculinity. If it's a survival mechanism from all the traumas I've experienced, doesn't this mean I lack the courage to face the world with feminine attributes? Have I allowed the label of 'woman' be stripped from me by misogynists? As someone who has always been tomboyish, am I non-binary because I failed to be a woman? Does any or all of this make me less of a feminist? Have I completely fallen into the trap set up by the patriarchy?
Identity aside, companionship is another Pandora's box of complications. Dating men and women both seems gay to me in different fonts. I can date enbies, but where are they? I think I'm not overtly queer enough to show up correctly on anyone's radar. I only seem to attract cis straight men (& occasionally lesbians) who expect womanness from me. I understand that I will forever be tethered to womanhood, but I refuse to accept being misgendered by people who are supposed to see me in my entirety.
TL;DR: when you're non-binary, any attraction you feel or get feels queer — it's socially 'wrong' no matter the combination.
Even if I am acutely aware that we all exist in multitudes and gender identities are too complex to be contained in one gender label, most of the time I just feel like a defect.
I'm a misprinted jigsaw piece that can't fit any puzzle.